Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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