Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
