just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
