Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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