Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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