Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
