xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
