Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
