my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
