just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
