I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
