I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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