I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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