just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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