there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
