This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
