Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
