Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
