3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
