there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
PANTIES FOUND
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