I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
