I feel like I'm in dance class right now
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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