If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
