I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
