my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
