If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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