I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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