apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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