I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
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Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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