the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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