bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
