I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
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I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
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The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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