Plan B is the new Plan A
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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