At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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