Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
