If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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