We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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