Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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