We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
