U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
