I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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