Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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