Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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