Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
