im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
