sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
