So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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