I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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