I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
