he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
