Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he puts the penis in happiness.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
