Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have aggressive nipples.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
