I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
