How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
