im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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